Jeff Dunham - Achmed The Dead Terrorist Lyrics
Jeff: Good evening AchmedAchmed: Good evening... InfidelJeff: So you're a Terrorist?Achmed: Yes... I am a TerroristJeff: What kind of Terrorist?Achmed: A terrifying... TerroristAchmed: Are you scared?Jeff: Not really... no.Achmed: Harrr... and now?Jeff: Not really, no.Achmed: Huhharrr... How bout now?Jeff: No.Achmed: God Dammit... Oh Oh, I I mean uh, Ala Dammit.Achmed: SILENCE! I kill you!Jeff: So uh, Achmed...Achmed: No no, it's Achmed.Jeff: That's what I said...Achmed: No you said Ukned, it's Achmed huchhuch huch huch huch huch...SILENCE! I kill you!Jeff:How do'ya spell it?Achmed: What?Jeff: How do you spell you name?Achmed: Oh-uh... lets see an A... C... flem... SILENCE! I kill you!Jeff: So Achmed, if you're a Terrorist... I would suppose you have some sort of specialty.Achmed: Yesss... I am a Suicide Bomber.Jeff: Ahh... So you're finished?Achmed: What?Jeff: yo-you've done your job?Achmed: No I haven'tJeff: But you're dead.Achmed: No I'm not, I feel fine!Jeff: But you're all boneAchmed: It's a flesh wound... SILENCE! I kill you! What the h*ll happened to my feet? Son of a b*tch? What the h*ll? Oh wait a minute... What tha h*ll? What are you doin? Ok Stop it. Get off... What are you doing to me! STOP TOUCHING ME! I Kill YOU!Jeff: Al'right just hold on we'll fix this.Achmed: OK wait what are you doing... holy crap I'm in the air... wait, wait, wait something is backward. Holy crap. I don't know what I'm doin. I need some ligaments.Jeff: Just sit still...Achmed: OK... I wil not move my a*sWalter: You IDIOT you don't have an a*sAchmed: Is that Walter?Jeff: yea.Achmed: He scares the CRAP out of me! Please don't put me back in the sinned suitcase.Jeff: Why?Achmed: He has gas...Achmed: Sudan's Mustard gas is nothing compared to a Walter fart.Walter: Ah.hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaAchmed: I-It's not funny... He will kill us!Jeff: Al-right... listen uh... Achmed... I have something to tell you.Achmed: What?Jeff: You-you really are dead.Achmed: Are are you sure?Jeff: Yes.Achmed: I just got my Flu shot.Jeff: You really are dead.Achmed: Wait. If I am dead... *gasp... That means I get my 72 virgins *gasp... Are you my virgins? I hope not.Jeff: Why?Achmed: There's a bunch of ugly-a*s guys out there.Achmed: If this is paradise... I've been SCREWED!Jeff: Well did they say it would only be, female, virgins?Achmed: Holy Crap!Achmed: Wait... I could have a Clay Aiken. ahahahahahha. I told a jokech!Jeff: Al'right so listen Achmed, so where did you come from?Achmed: Your freaking suitcase. ahahahahaha. I told another one.Jeff: heh, look if you've been in my suitcase all this time... How have you been getting through security at the airports?Achmed: Oh that's easy, they open the case and I go "ello! I am Lindsay Lohan!" haha... I-I told another Jokech! I can do this crap to'ch.Achmed: Ok, here's another one... 2 Jews walk in a bar.Jeff: No, no.Achmed: What?Jeff: no.Achmed: What, you don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bast**d.Jeff: What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act.Achmed: Oh-ok, how 'bout if I kill the Jews?Jeff: No.Achmed: I'm kidding, I would not kill the Jews... No! I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death! ahahahhahaha! Yes-yes! I did the same thing with 2 Catholic Priests then I tossed in a small boy! ahahahahaha. haha yes-yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson.Jeff: YOUUGHHH!Achmed: Ahahahaha.Jeff: Achmed.Achmed: what?Jeff: Stop doing this.Achmed: What?Jeff: You can't tell jokes like that.Achmed: Why not? I'm killing so to speak.Jeff: Well you can't tell jokes like that.Achmed: Why?Jeff: It offends people.Achmed: Oh I'm dead what do I care? What do you want me to do... Knock-knock jokesch?Jeff: That would probably be better.Achmed: Ok, Knock-knock...Jeff: Whose there?Achmed: Me! I kill you.Jeff: So look, as a suicide bomber have you had training?Achmed: Of course, we had the suicide bomber training camp.Jeff: Ah, is that a nice facility?Achmed: It used to be.Jeff: What happened?Achmed: New guy... The idiot tried to practice!Jeff: And what did you guys learn from that?Achmed: location, location, location.Jeff: So you guys have any kind of motto?Achmed: Like what?Jeff: You know like, "We are looking for a few good men.Achmed: Were looking for some idiots with no future.Jeff: So where do you get your recruits?Achmed: The suicide Hotline. ahahahha... That was dark was it not?Jeff: yea, so-uh what exactly happened to you?Achmed: Hah?Jeff: What happened?Achmed: Oh, if you must know. I am a horrible suicide bomber!Jeff: What happened?Achmed: I had a preimature detonation. I set the timer for 30 minutes but it went off in 4 seconds!Achmed: You know what that's like right? Mr.Hurrrriiccaanne...Walter: ahahahhahahahahaJeff: So achmed, what exactly happened to you?Achmed: Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cellphone.Jeff: yea.Achmed: Can you hear me now... cunk. At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes.Jeff: That's too bad.Achmed: It's ok I took that Verizon bas***d with me.Jeff: So-uh, what's it like to die? Do you see a white light?Achmed: If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion... yes.Jeff: No, I mean when some people die they see a white light. What did you see?Achmed: I saw flying car parts...Jeff: What was the last thing that went through you're mind?Achmed: My a*s. Ahahahhaha. Walter told me to tell that jokech.Jeff: So you never saw a white light?Achmed: No, but I saw a Blue creais. Do you really have one of those vehicles?Jeff: Yes.Achmed: Ahahahhahahah! OHH! That is not a car that's a lunch box.Achmed: Did you know when you're going down the highway in a creais that if you put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn.Jeff: You did all of this for a bunch of virgins?Achmed: Are you kidding me? I'd kill you for a klondik bar.Jeff: So I guess you're Muslim?Achmed: I don't think so.Jeff: You're not Muslim?Achmed: No.Jeff: Why?Achmed: Look on my A*s, It says made in China.Achmed: Walter says I'm just a stinkin' Halloween decoration. ahahhahaha.Jeff: So do you like being in D.C?Achmed: I think some idiots must live there.Jeff: Why?Achmed: For example, the Washington monument.Jeff: Yes?Achmed: It looks nothing like the guy, it looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton. AHHahahhahaJeff: What do ya think of Bush?Achmed: Ohhhhhhh, I love Buhh, Oh! You mean the president? I'm sorry.
